I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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