ya dads aren't the best wingmen
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
