How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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