Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
