i love accidental penises.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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