I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
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