in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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