so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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