pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
