I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Randomize
