seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Randomize
