Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Randomize
