One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
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