and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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