I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Randomize
