I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I want to have your abortion
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
