I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
