His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Randomize
