Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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