Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
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