dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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