i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
