Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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