new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
