here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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