I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize