Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
