But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
