I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Randomize
