glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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