Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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