had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize