I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
