you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
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