I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize