I will die if light touches me.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
