R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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