Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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