You're so nebulous sometimes
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
