I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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