I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Randomize
