all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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