Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
