Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
