woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
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