I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
