yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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