My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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