Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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