How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
