The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
