i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
