I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Randomize
