If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
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