Sry I called you an 8
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
