He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize
